Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Beyond Thunderdome

I realize that the "open relationship" status is strange.
It weirds people out.
I get that.
I just don't know how else Erik and I would deal with our weird vanity issues without it.

But at what point does a relationship go from "open" to "polyamorous"?
And, how do you know if you're okay with that?

I just really don't know....
The last little while has been.... strange, to say the least.
I want so badly to leave Utah.
But.... Do I really?
That would mean leaving my friends, my excellent, enjoyable, decently paying job...
My family.
Am I ready for that? I'm only 20.
I feel like I have so much left to do here.
I want to be involved, and make this a better place for other young queer people to grow up in.
I want to be in a position to make enough money to travel to a few places that i REALLY want to go to.

I'm probably just in a weird slump, because I forgot to have my Vitamin P refilled, and have gone without anti-depressants for 2 days.
I'm seriously considering asking my doctor for something a bit.... stronger.
I love the P, but, I don't know that it's cutting it anymore.

Then, of course, there is a counter-point.
I don't like feeling... "addicted."
It sounds silly, and lame, but... If I don't have it for a few days, I do get sick, and achy,and shaky,
and irritable.
The only time this has happened to me before is when I took too many diet pills for a while.
I quit that all on my own, and haven't had trouble since.
However.... the anti-depressant seems to be something so needed in my life.
I hate depending on 2 little pills.

I hate........... Most things right now.

I hate that my boyfriend has another girl, due to our relationship.
Not because I'm mad that he likes her... but....
That I'm jealous. I don't have that.
I have... Me. Video Games. Cats.
That's me, right now, in a nutshell.
I am far too histrionic to deal with this not feeling wanted.
I suppose there is not much of a demand for girls like me, anyway.
I don't say that to sound mopey... It's just true.
At least for the demographic I WANT to want me.
That demographic being pretty, girly girls.
I'm just... I dunno.
Not what they want.
Maybe I'm too fat, or too pretentious, or too needy.
I dunno.

I'm just rather sick of everything as of late.

Or maybe I am just hopped up on too much Theraflu/cold medicine.

FML. FMF'ingL!

Well, no, not really.... Unless you happen to be a pretty girl.


  1. Girl I know how you feel about the medicine! Not like it will make you feel better, but I think you are very beautiful:) polyamorous relationships sound tricky! I wish all the best for you! & I hope you get feeling better soon!

  2. Just stay here, it's not so bad. We can all be miserable together!
    Btw, I enjoy going through your adult content warning in order to read these. It adds something extra.