Sunday, October 17, 2010


So.... I'm not going to pretend that I'm an incredible writer, or very interesting... But it'll be nice to type some things out. Beware, if reading this, that I am a highly irrational, emotional, and often-drunk sort of person, and act on ridiculous impulses regularly.

I seem to be living in Provo, Utah because I can't seem to leave my family, my few excellent friends, and my under-paying, but highly satisfactory and very entertaining job. The apartment building I live in (affectionately called "The 451/461" by residents) is.... out of control, and should have its own reality TV show. At one point, the building had 17 cats to 6 apartments. The police and paramedics frequent the building, due to possibly insane neighbors.

Here is a breakdown of the neighbor dynamic:

1. Me! Living with my boyfriend (Erik) of a little over 3 years, and our 2 year old cats (Keanu, Courtney Love, and Beyonce). We are fairly decent people who just like to have fun, get extremely drunk, dress up horribly, and host the occasional couch surfer.

2. Miranda! My maybe, kind of, step-sister, perhaps half-sister to my sisters... See, neither of us know who our fathers are, and both of our mothers happened to be banging the man who is married to my mother in 1990. It's... er... interesting. Anyway, Miranda is another fairly decent person, who is responsible, and doesn't cause drama.

3. Jon and Eric (spelling?). Friendly fellows. I don't know them too well, but, they seem pretty cool. Jon has 3 cats, including the infamous "Skimbleshanks" who used to be the accident-prone porch cat, before he got hit by a car, had to have his jaw re-constructed, and contracted cat herpes... Sometimes, Jon's cats hang out on the roof over the porches, and get in ill-conceived fights with my cats through the window screens.

4. Dan. He's a 60-something year old alcoholic ex-con who is a real sweetie, if completely crazy and odd, at heart. He gets a little creepy when drunk, but is generally respectful. He likes to smoke and drink a 40 on the porch most of the time. He really enjoys Phil Collins, and seems to think my best friend is a reincarnation of Peter Moon. He has a few kids, with a lady named Toni, who will be discussed shortly...

5. Toni! She and Dan were never married, but had a few kids together, and have been friends forever. She's pretty crazy, as well, but is awesome. She likes hearing stories about parties, has 5 cats, a chihuahua named "Peanut", and a turtle. She also really likes pie. One day, she came to bring me some toys for my cats (vibrating hamsters..?), and to tell me she would holler if it is she at my door, so I didn't accidentally open the door for Meth Guy, or one of his friends.

And..... finally....

6. METH GUY! Salty asshole-douche, and scourge of the planet. I have never hated someone so much in my entire life. Everything about him is offensive, annoying, and just fucking stupid. He yells at the "voices" he hears ALL OF THE TIME! He yells just because, ALL OF THE TIME! He listens to really bad nu-metal REALLY FUCKING LOUD! He also seems to think that it is Halloween at Hot Topic in like... 1997 like... all of the time. It's all orange Tripp pants, and long button up shirts. The dumbfuck sells weed to high school students just like, in the driveway. He used to run around in the "yard" in his underwear, smelling of piss, and trying to get people to smoke salvia, until he got arrested for it too many times. You'd think he'd need a good ass-kickin', but, that happens often, and seems to have no effect. He will, on occasion, acquire a whole bunch of baby kitty cats, which he will parade around the building. Slowly, they all start to disappear.... Where, you might ask? HE SAID HE SACRIFICES THEM TO HIS GOD!! This guy is everything that is wrong with America, and the welfare system. He is a grade-a fucking piece of shit.

In fact, the other day, he had music on EXTREMELY loud. So, one of Toni's kids banged on the floor with a broom, and then went and asked him to turn the music down. Meth Guy, being a dumbass of epic proportions, runs upstairs after him, into Toni's living room, AND PUNCHES THE GUY IN THE FACE! IN THE LIVING ROOM. Toni's son is kind of a douche, but, he'd just gotten braces, and had done nothing wrong...

I came waltzing back to my place after a walk, to find 4 police cars, a myriad of police officers, all of the neighbors on the porch yelling, blood spatters... Then a firetruck rolled up.... Then an ambulance... Then everyone started fighting with the police... The landlord showed up, sort of looked around, seemed exasperated, mumbled a bit about leases, and left.

On top of this craziness, the building is literally falling apart. Summer is "flood season", during which the basement apartments just flood constantly. The rain gutter fell off of the back of the building, and is still hanging out, I'm pretty sure. There is a shed out back filled with rotting couches, and stray cats. Homeless people often squat in our parking lot. It's so very, very un-Provo.

It is, of course, the only decent place to get a drink in Provo.


  1. Yep, yep--all mentioned herein is true,
    and I am the reincarnation of Peter Moon.
    Moreover, Meth Guy is a salty ass douche who really should be euthanized, nay--malthanized--for his/every-single-living-thing's sake.

    This blog post is approved by J-Spot and is therefore valid and badass. Badalid.